i hate pressure, feeling like i have to do something. i think i hate that feeling because i feel it a lot. i have to make my parents proud, i have to pay rent and taxes, i have to graduate and make money somehow. and then there's all the additional stuff: i gotta write something and publish it on this website, because if i don't i'll never remember all the things i think about. but i also hate publishing, it's scary to put yourself out there and saying "hey everyone, you can read what i thought of at my website!", allowing everyone to silently critique what it is that you decided to tell the world.
the idea for this site basically came from that. wanting to do something that was well outside my comfort zone, to publish things and to allow myself to be critiqued and scrutinized. not that anyone is going to read these anyways, but just the idea of it. another reason was that i'd get better at writing. when i do this stream of consciousness stuff, my mind is going faster than my fingers can type, and there's a billion things i wanna include. it starts off with a sentence and ends up somewhere totally unexpected.
i haven't written an essay in a long time, but that's something i'm working towards. essays are like the opposite of stream of consciousness, instead of a totally unplanned vomit of words that gets produced, it's carefully planned and edited to make a point. what i'm doing right now is incoherent and unplanned, its for myself, its not making a point, and its only real purpose is to give me that feeling of: "i did something".
anyway, i might even publish something worth reading one day!
peace.
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